Dear mom,
OK, so you want me to have children. I get it. But have you thought about what it is like for a modern feminist in the 2000s? You always told me I could be anything...ANYTHING! And guess what I became. A man...well, almost, that is. OK, OK, don't get scared. No sex change or hormones here. Well, in all honestly what I mean is no male hormones. Some female hormones are involved in this issue.
OK, so we are a non-traditional family. A bi-racial marriage to start. But you know what I have realized? Every marriage is bi-cultural, even if the players look alike. We each come into things with our own beliefs about what life should be. But I have been blessed, I am married to a good man who feels God's call in his life. He is brave enough and humble enough to follow this call. Brave, in that he stepped out on faith to do what it took to follow God's call. He is humble too, because he was willing to let his wife make more money and be the "bread winner" of this family.
So here is the thing. I got the job, the one that provided a big income for us so he could give himself to the youth ministry in this area. And I started to go to work, every day. I began to worry about the bills and my paycheck. He began doing the cooking and cleaning. And I began to love it! I would come home and he would have a hot meal ready for me. This is awesome! No wonder men did not want to give up the good thing they had going. And he even tolerated me the day I came home to a messy house and told him he was not being as "effective" as he used to be. What woman would have taken that comment so well.
So, now, many people are asking when I am going to have children. Not if I am, but when. Because it is still assumed that as a woman, I will. But the problem is, I am the breadwinner, the provider. I have to be ready to leave the cave, kill something, and drag it home. I can't do this if I am pregnant or raising children. That is why, when we really lived in caves, men went out with their great strength, while women stayed home. But now, I go.
And, I like to go. I like to be the one with the paycheck. And I like uninterrupted sleep. And I don't like snot. And I always hated babysitting.
So I am left with this. I don't want children. Not now. Maybe not ever, I don't know. I am being what it is I want to be, so this is my life right now. You got the young feminist you wanted, but maybe not the grandkids. Sorry about that. :)
Anyway, I love you very much, and am lucky that you wanted to be both the feminist and the mom. I hope someday to be more like you.
XOXOX
Cadh 8
Yes, Trump is Guilty
3 months ago
7 comments:
Hey care bear! It is a problem isn't it, all this contradictory conditioning. I'm hoping stevie will marry some traditional woman and start popping out babies -- AND FAST!
Remind me sometime when we talk on the phone, and I'll tell you about the shocking thing that happened to me at work.
oh, anne gg is debbie by the way. fyi
I want to answer you and say something, um.m.m, convincing, but this is very hard. I suppose I could pull out that poem I wrote a while ago.
First of all, you are right. Raising children takes an enormous amount of commitment, energy, and time--not just quality time, but an extravagant quantity of time--in fact all of your time.
I could try to answer the question of whether children are worth that investment. Of course, they are not, at least, never in the ideal sense. The idea of a child is not worth all of me. And if the ideal or idea of a child seems worth that much, then you possibly aren't ready to have children. That is why it is so difficult to answer your question.
But is a real child worth that investment, is a relationship of love, worth that investment? There we can begin. There must be a mathematical formula that could express this. It's like 0 times any number is still 0, but as soon as you enter the realm of real numbers, then that number times the investment is a great increase.
A career can be a wonderful thing, and there are lots of ways of continuing careers these days, even when you have children. However, a career in the end, is just a career. A child in the end is a person with whom you have the opportunity of a lifetime. You may be a "one and only" to that child/person for the rest your days.
In the course of my life I have loved and enjoyed many things, including my career. Nothing, however, compares to my relationship with my daughters and son and husband, my one and onlies. I say nothing compares, and that is true almost, except when I turn around and look and see my own mother and father to whom I am the one and only.
I will think about this some more, and perhaps write again in this space if I think of a better way to say this.
LUV
BRD MOM XOX
You have said it very well. One cannot be a true feminist by rejecting one's femininity. In some ways I have turned my back on what it means to be a woman. Although in my career I am a nurturer, a care taker, get spit on and hit and simply turn the other cheek. These are all things that mothers are. But I am still seeing myself as a career. And I don't think this is right. To be truely empowered as woman, we shoudl be able to "have it all". Not necessarily the family and the career, but the courage to either live non-traditionally, with non-traditional roles as husband and wife and non-traditional ways of having a career, or to purposefully live very traditionally, and to be OK with that.
Do not give up all hope on me. I am still soft hearted enough to be amazed by the tiny-ness of baby hands and feet. I also see the power of God when I see the face of a man and a woman captured in the face of a baby. It is the most amazing miracle that I have ever seen. Maybe talking all this out has been cathartic for me. Hope I haven't scared you mom.
Love you,
Oh, but you did not comment on the broader issue...women who have truely taken on the role of men in our world. We are getting heart disease and other "men's" diseases. It is a big shift.
i just can't seem to get pass the amazing man you've described. sounds like the kind of man you only read about in fantasies. someone should pin a medal on him or give him a major award!
but seriously, i like children and all but i don't get the concept of "wanting one of my own". seems a bit selfish...a bit childish. It seems that lately I've been hearing a lot about people who spend all kinds of money just to have their own kid. the other day at church someone put their cousin on the prayer list because they're depressed about how much money they've spent on different fertility tx just to have a kid and it's not working! I don't get it. I have an even harder time when it comes to Christian families going to such extreme measures to have a child. not to mention these are usually the same people who justify fetilizing several eggs and having all these miscarriages but preach embryonic stem cell research is wrong. way to go mr and mrs i'm on the side that benefits me. i guess that's a topic for a different time. I'm against both by the way.
Back on track, have they not seen the number of children without parents, the number of orphanages throughout the world, the number of foster children falling through the cracks? i'm having trouble reconciling the want to have a child of my own to the fact that there are hundreds of thousands of children all over this world with no family.
do i not have a responsiblity to help the child in my community without parents or a family structure who are here now? i'm not implying that you can't do both. and if i have a child i'm sure my wife and i would be great parents and raise the child in a strong Christian home....but as for wanting a child of my own, that's a different story.
I do think that women are suffering from some of that high stress that comes from working in an environment that is "Non-nurturing." For some time (in some classes) in the United States men have assumed this burden. Now women, and women in all classes are assuming these burdens too and are paying that physical/psychological price too. Note that I mentioned "class" here. I recently listened to an audio class on feminism and the instructor strongly pointed out that these so-called "traditional" roles have not been the common experience for all classes. "Which women?" she would say. That is an interesting perspective on this.
I remember that public tv show from a long time ago called "Trade Offs" or something. It dealt with those touchy questions of reality and the the fact that no one can really "Have it all." Family is a trade-off. But you and your amazing non-traditional man may find a happy way to satisfy many of your longings, which may also include children. The discussion about adoption and filling the parent-need for children who greatly need parents is good. Biological is not magical, though non-biological always has special challenges.
Both you and lionsden are incredible and special people. I am so glad that you are inescapably part of my life. Thanks for being the wonderful people that you are.
Love, brd
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